“I Just Saw Filch Snogging Ms Norris”
by Theta
Summary: FINALLY UPDATED! When a bad idea meets a worse sleep schedule, something like this is what will ensue. Flames accepted, they will be used to make toast! Flagrant HHr, and if you haven't guessed, AFMN.
1. Bad Taste in Everyone's Mouths

"I Just Saw Filch Snogging Ms. Norris"  
  
Summary: When a bad idea meets a worse sleep schedule, something like this is what will ensue. Flames accepted, they will be used to make toast! Flagrant H/Hr, and if you haven't guessed, AF/MN.  
  
Disclaimer: I just own a concept that shouldn't be!  
  
~~~~~  
  
"I just saw Filch snogging Ms. Norris!!!!!" He screamed.  
  
Ron Weasley stood, panting, in the doorway of Severus Snape's Classroom. As silence descended, Ron began to realize that there could have been better places to yell what he just had. The girl's bathroom, at dinner, in front of Filch, while being attacked by a mountain troll. All situations he would have preferred to have been in at that moment. Snape's eye twitched, the first sign of life he had shown in close to four minuets.  
  
"Excuse me, Mr Weasley," The potion professor's smooth voice rang, "I did not realize that I was interrupting a dissertation of your....*ahem* ... less colorful activities. But do tell me," his lips curled into a cruel smile, "was raising awareness of your liaisons with Mr. Filch worth losing forty points from your DEAR Griffindor?"  
  
Ron had turned a horrible shade of maroon-green on the cheeks, and appeared to be halfway between fainting and screaming. Harry tried to be as casual as possible while fetching him, but any hope of that was defeated as the redhead burst out quite spontaneously.  
  
"I'D RATHER DIE!"  
  
"Oh, Mr. Weasley, would you like several HUNDRED more points deducted from your house?"  
  
All Griffindors turned in their seats to stare tensely at Ron. Several girls fainted at his next comment.  
  
"I don't care about the bloody points, I'd rather die than have anyone in...in....- oh blast it, Hermione?"  
  
"Insinuate?" She chirped.  
  
"INSINUATE that I would ever TRY to CLIMB IN BED with ARGUS FILCH!"  
  
Close to all of the class gawked at Ron. Even the Slytherins, who usually became outraged in an instance like this, had taken interest. Snape was seething, and yet Ron was not finished.  
  
"I would think, Professor Snape, that even you would have pity on a poor bloke like me who saw our caretaker HALF NAKED and making love to a ruddy cat!"  
  
Something snapped in the room. Snape paused, eying him suspiciously, and suddenly slipped into his normal demeanor of cruelty, while several students stifled snickers. The description of Filch with his clothes off was just too disturbingly amusing for most of the students to handle.  
  
"Alright then, MR WEASLEY." A bulging black eye immediately silenced the students who were still tittering. "I will return all one hundred-"  
  
"Fourty!!!!"  
  
"-And FIFTY points," Snape's eyes glared at the students around him as each of them drew blank stares. Nobody knew weather it was more shocking that he was removing one-hundred-fifty points for a class disruption, or that he was offering to return them. "if..."  
  
Ron, Harry, and Hermione all unconsciously leaned forward.  
  
"--if, you, Mr. Weasley, can bring me evidence that your first, and rather... disruptive statement was, in fact, true. Bring me evidence that Argus Filch had sexual relations with Ms. Norris."  
  
Nobody, not even Neville, when he spilled his cauldron full of swelling potion on himself out of shock, made a sound. Ron turned his head to his best friends, and the look on their faces mirrored his. This was, by far, the worst punishment they had ever received.  
  
  
  
~~~~~  
  
A/N: Does anyone want me to continue?  
  
~~~~~ 


	2. Mission: Unlikely

"I Just Saw Filch Snogging Ms. Norris"  
  
Summary: When a bad idea meets a worse sleep schedule, something like this is what will ensue. Flames accepted, they will be used to make toast! Flagrant H/Hr, and if you haven't guessed, AF/MN.  
  
Disclaimer: I just own a concept that shouldn't be!  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ron held his head in his hands. He had never in his existence hated his life as he did now. Not even when his brothers had fed him their 'Fantastically Flatulent Fizzer's' was he this miserable. Of course, there was one positive note. He was not alone in his hellish mission. He turned around to give a wry smile to his two best friends.  
  
Over the top of their couch a solitary sock was flung. Ron just knew he didn't want to know. He coughed loudly despite this, and after a few moments of struggle, two rather frazzled heads popped over the back of the sofa. Harry was grinning rather stupidly, and Hermione's hair had almost doubled in size from the frizz. If it hadn't been for the fact that such activity was the very thing he had to seek out, Ron might have laughed.   
  
Somehow, it wasn't funny though. Not by a long shot.  
  
"Could you two PLEASE learn a lesson from Filch and get a bloody room?"  
  
Harry wiped the stupid smirk from his face and assumed a somewhat judicious expression.  
  
  
  
"Now Ron, there is no need to be jealous."  
  
"I'd rather die, Harry. I'd rather die."  
  
Hermione looked vaguely offended as she stood and adjusted her clothes, casually kicking Ron gently (OK, not THAT gently) in the shin as she walked past.  
  
Ron, wincing, glared at the couple. "Come on, we have work to do. Could we please concentrate?" He looked pleadingly at his friends. They sighed, nodding, and the three of them walked with their special passes through the portrait hole at around one in the morning.   
  
Ron knew he would remember this night for the rest of his life, if he didn't go stupid from sheer horror.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Sneaking around the school in the early night hours was usually fun, and it usually required quite a bit more stealth. Instead, each of the fantastic trio held a specially signed pass from Snape, an accomplishment which was both shocking and terrifying. Hermione, who had taken the lead, looked as though she had swallowed a pound of lead. Harry walked behind her, casual as possible, and yet oddly tensed. Ron walked behind the two of them, eyes boring into the ground. He had already seen IT once, and he was really afraid of finding Filch with his lower half bared.  
  
Apparently the others had thought of the same matter, because Harry looked paler than he usually did on their forays. Quite suddenly, they were interrupted by a loud noise. From their left, the Weasley twins burst from behind a wall hanging.   
  
"Are you really looking for Filch... doing Ms. Norris?" George looked eagerly at his younger brother.  
  
"Blimey, you're going to catch hell from mum is she finds out!"  
  
"Jeeze Ron, how'd you get into this one?"  
  
Ron, even in the shadowed darkness of the hall, had turned red to the point where he seemed to emanate a feint light. His brothers stifled a quiet laugh as he managed to push out a few words.   
  
"how.... find... out..?"Ron glared daggers, but the twins didn't seem to notice.  
  
"Oh, Creevey told us!"  
  
Fred Beamed while George tossed them a small package. Harry caught it deftly, and gasped when he unwrapped it.  
  
"You should thank him, he sent you his camera."  
  
Ron stared at the object in Harry's hands. He was torn between thankfulness and mute terror. Now there was no way out of the mission, he had everything he needed. He picked up the fragile instrument.  
  
"Bloody...." He turned it over in his hands. "How do I use it?"  
  
The twins were already walking down the hallway into the darkness. George piped up "Don't ask me!"  
  
"Yeah, who do we look like, dad?"  
  
"Actually," Ron muttered huffily, "You do."  
  
Harry had already managed to figure out which end should be pointed at the object(s) in question. At that thought, Ron broke his silent ire.  
  
"Blasted thing's useless!"  
  
"Don't be silly, Ron!" Hermione, of course, knew how to use it. She knew how to do everything.   
  
Ron wanted to punch her.   
  
"Damn damn damn damn damn...." His red head bobbed with his cursing.   
  
Harry looked at the muttering boy. "So where did you... um... see it?"  
  
"Where do you think? Outside of his office!"  
  
Hermione looked up suddenly. "Guys?"  
  
  
  
"Oh shut up, Herm."  
  
"Ron, you can't talk to her like that!" Harry snarled.  
  
"Who's bloody well stopping me?"  
  
"Guys..."  
  
"I am!"  
  
"Harry, get over your freaking crush and stop acting like a damned--"  
  
"HARRY! RON!"  
  
"WHAT?" They both yelled at once.  
  
Hermione looked frantic, and pointed a shaking finger at a small creature staring up at them on the floor.  
  
"Oh sweet merciful crap..."  
  
Ms. Norris turned and ran. Against every instinct they had, Ron, harry, and Hermione threw the invisibility cloak over themselves, and followed.  
  
~~~~~  
  
A/N Thank you for reviews, and yes, I'm going to continue. This is actually fun!  
  
~~~~~ 


	3. With Misery and Argus for All

"I Just Saw Filch Snogging Ms. Norris"  
  
Summary: When a bad idea meets a worse sleep schedule, something like this is what will ensue. Flames accepted, they will be used to make toast! Flagrant H/Hr, and if you haven't guessed, AF/MN.  
  
Disclaimer: I just own a concept that shouldn't be!  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Tell me again why we are chasing her?" Harry hissed.  
  
"I don't full well know myself..."  
  
Harry and Hermione glared at Ron beneath the invisibility cloak. Suddenly, Ms. Norris Stopped at a dead halt. She scratched a stone near to the floor, and a small door appeared. Obviously, a passage. Ron grunted. There was no way through.  
  
They waited for about a half an hour. They walked around to see where the wall came out, but it was a solid circular wall, and aside from the occasional portrait, there was nothing of use upon it except the small cat-door.   
  
Harry looked at the other two, curious if they thought the same thing. There was a rumor about the school that Filch kept a secret office, but nobody had ever seen evidence, aside from being caught after curfew when nobody seemed to be about. They stood about, dumbed for close to an hour, wondering if they had discovered the holy grail of mischief.  
  
Finally, a tall portal opened in the stones, first a glowing line and then a full passage, and Filch strode out. They began to walk away form him. With a nasty smile on his face, he wandered the opposite direction down the hallway.   
  
Ron suddenly had a terrible, terrible thought.  
  
"D'you think Snape set us up?"  
  
Hermione and Harry turned their head slowly to meet his eye. They looked positively horrified.  
  
"What?"  
  
"D'you think Snape gave us shoddy passes, s'that if someone catches us, we're toast?"  
  
They continued walking in the opposite direction of Filch, quiet a possible.   
  
"That's mad, Ron! Why would he do that?" Hermione snapped.  
  
"Well, gee Herm-"  
  
  
  
"Don't call me that!" She hissed.  
  
"-he only hates us and wants us to catch hell every time we can, I mean, what could possibly be his reason! Gawd, you always defend the teachers."  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"I dunno, it does make sense..."  
  
"Then why are we still here?"  
  
"C'mon, we still have the invisibility cloak!" Harry stepped forward, and the cloak caught on his shoe, exposing them all.  
  
Argus Filch turned the corner of the corridor, and came face to face with the three children.   
  
Ron hated his life.  
  
~~~~~ 


	4. Nightnight Mr Filch

"I Just Saw Filch Snogging Ms. Norris"  
  
Summary: When a bad idea meets a worse sleep schedule, something like this is what will ensue. Flames accepted, they will be used to make toast! Flagrant H/Hr, and if you haven't guessed, AF/MN.  
  
Disclaimer: I just own a concept that shouldn't be!  
  
A/N: Sorry it's been so long! Got a little caught up in my other story. This should be fun, though...  
  
~~~~~   
  
Filch twitched silently for a few moments. The three children were unsure of how to react at first, but after a few moments, Ron decided the best route was that of honesty.  
  
"Erm.... Hello!" Ron put on his most ghastly attempt at a smile, "Erm..... Mr. Filch..."  
  
Argus steamed silently, but after a few moments his lips began to twist into a horrific smile.   
  
"Oh my... Mr. Potter, Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley... How silly of me, I was expecting you..." He promptly grabbed them by the backs of their robes and began to drag them towards the wall.  
  
"Now, now... What shall we do with the naughty students? " he looked down at Mrs. Norris, who had appeared, seemingly from nowhere. Harry struggled to say something from beneath the cover of both Ron and Hermione's hands. Ron licked his lips silently, but them Hermione piped up.  
  
"Er.....We have passes?" Hermione extended her hand. Filch snatched the paper, and began laughing for a moment until he reached the bottom two lines, after which his face turned a mottled sort of purple-white.  
  
"You....." He stalked up to Hermione, pinning her with his gaze "YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY??"  
  
"no sir we don't!" Ron squeaked.  
  
"SHUDDUP!!!" Filch bellowed. "How damned fool do you lot think I am? To actually believe SNAPE of all people gave you a pass? To walk the halls at midnight?"  
  
Ron laughed weakly while Harry continued to struggle, fire in his eyes now that Filch had gone after his girlfriend.  
  
"AND..." He shuddered, trying to catch his breath, lips quivering, "AND you dare to offer the reason... so... so absurd.... You say you are here to spy on Mrs. Norris and I?"  
  
Hermione shrieked and grabbed the passes, at the bottom of which had now appeared the exact words she dreaded. Ron moaned softly, and Harry immediately fell silent, giving up his struggle.   
  
"To research the activities of a one Argus Filch and his cat, Mrs. Norris." Filch shrieked, "Tell me, are you SERIOUS?"  
  
"We... were, up until now..." Ron whimpered. Harry elbowed him quietly before he said too much.  
  
"YOU... just wait... Just say here, you little rats... I'll get you yet, just wait a moment.... Bugger the rules, it's shackles for you!" He smiled cruelly, and turned, somehow opening the wall, and leaving.  
  
"Norris, keep an eye on them, won't you love? " He growled before shutting their only escape.  
  
At the word 'love', the trio looked at each other with abject horror in their eyes.   
  
Hermione began to walk towards the wall with the door, but was cut off by a spitting Mrs. Norris who arched menacingly before her. She stepped back slightly, glad she had not removed her wand. Harry watched the cat carefully while it settled on the floor and began to groom itself, glaring at them occasionally.  
  
"DAMMIT!" The redhead shrieked.  
  
"Bloody feline..." Ron spat, returning to the others after his own voyage with several scratches on his face and hands. He grimaced through the cuts as Harry and Hermione began dabbing at the wells of blood on his cheeks.  
  
"Really Ron, that wasn't a very wise idea..." Hermione scolded.  
  
"You got a great kick in, though!" Harry began to laugh heartily. Ron smiled at this. Just then, there was a hiss behind them, and George and Fred Weasley burst into the room through the wall, laughing easily, George carrying a rather unconscious-looking Filch over his shoulder. He flipped him into the chair while Harry, Ron, and Hermione gaped.  
  
"You... knocked out an adult!!!" Hermione squeaked.  
  
"Yeah, we've done it before, although I have to give credit to my brother because this one was excellent!" Fred laughed.  
  
"But... how... did you find us?" Harry gaped.  
  
"Oh, that..." George looked at Fred.  
  
"Well" Fred began, "You guys were pretty easy to follow..."  
  
"Norris..." Ron yelped.  
  
"Yeah, we know, you got pretty beat up didn't you?"  
  
"NO! NORRIS!!!" Ron screamed, pointing a shaking finger behind the twins.  
  
The two boys turned, paling slightly at the sight before them. Mrs. Norris arched, larger and larger, eyes suddenly glowing brightly as her body seemed to shake, all until she was roughly the size of a large Siberian tiger. Tail swishing, she blocked the doorway.  
  
"Well..." Fred said shakily.  
  
"This bloody well sucks." George finished. 


End file.
